Ava's Grace

It’s been a while. Again. I have found this blog to be more difficult to keep up with than I anticipated, but worth it when I need an outlet. I refuse to add more deadlines to my life so instead of stressing about getting something out weekly, I try my best to only cram your inbox or your news feed when I have something halfway important to say. Or, in this case, bare my soul unlike I never have before.

As Thanksgiving approaches, I have found myself a bit emotional. It’s due in part to the chaos in our country, the negative narrative that hangs like a dark cloud around us every day. It’s partly due to the fact that winter and cold weather make me a little less cheery and a little more melancholy. But it’s mainly due to the fact that I am getting older and my daughter is getting older and my parents are getting older. And I cherish every second we have together – even when it seems rushed and busy between games and events and LIFE.

If you take the time to watch this video you will know why Thanksgiving took on a different meaning for me when my mom was gone. And it’s meant even more since she’s been home. This speech is from the graduation ceremony of what was a life-changing experience as a JustLeadershipUSA Fellow in 2018. I had a friend take this video (sorry for the quality – but he did his best!) so that I could show it to my mom. I had no intention of showing it publicly – ever. But in the spirit of being vulnerable so that others in my same shoes might feel strength, I feel the need to share it for Thanksgiving this year.

And thankful I am.

With a full and grateful heart and, as always, hope for the future –

Founder, Ava’s Grace Scholarship Program
Mom – CEO – Justice Warrior

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It has been a month since I wrote a blog post. You might assume I have had little to say but the real reason is – I’ve almost had too much to say. And it is in those moments that sometimes I need to be quiet and really reflect on all that is going on around me, all I am creating and responsible for, and all that I need to do to keep peace and forward movement in my life.

This is my busy season for work – lots of travel and conferences. In case I haven’t said it in this blog – I love my job. I love the industry I work for and I love the people I have met in close to 20 years working in agriculture. Thirteen-ish years ago when my family was thrust into the criminal justice world – kicking and screaming and through no fault of our own – I was still a young pup in my career. And while I had met many amazing colleagues and managers and mentors, I did not have the “street cred” back then to be vocal about these issues and still operate in an industry that is completely unrelated. But to be honest, I was too ashamed to be anyway. I hid what was happening to my family and my amazing mother for several years in my professional circles.

Launching the scholarship program on Ava’s 1st birthday in 2010 was my “coming out” party. It was liberating and exciting and helped me redirect my anger and sadness and more than likely depression (I didn’t seek therapy for another couple of years) toward something positive and hopefully life-changing for our kids. But justice reform wasn’t sexy then. And I wasn’t comfortable in my own skin then either.

Fast forward to 2018. I have continued to build a career in agriculture and along the way I have opened some eyes to the plight of families of the incarcerated as well as to the injustice of the system itself. We have also helped dozens of kids on their journey to college. This year I was part of a game-changing leadership development program called Leading with Conviction convened by JustLeadershipUSA. The core principle of this organization is that those closest to the problem are closest to the solution. And they are investing in the leadership capacity of justice involved people, like myself, to advocate for change across the country.

In this process I have found my people. I have also found myself and found my voice in this space. Vulnerability is a beautiful thing and I feel in a lot of ways that I have been stripped naked and put back together again – with a more open mind, and softer and more forgiving heart, a body armor that can take the tough days and a network unrivaled anywhere.

Everywhere I have gone in my life I have tried to create family – to create community. Perhaps it’s because I was an only child or from a small town or because I grew up knowing that family is everything. Another gift from mom. This new family has helped me heal and grow and thrive in ways I never knew were possible.

With a full and grateful heart and, as always, hope for the future –

Founder, Ava’s Grace Scholarship Program
Mom – CEO – Justice Warrior

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Last night I had a distinct honor of co-hosting an intimate gathering in St. Louis to raise awareness of the work and mission of the Midwest Innocence Project. Based in Kansas City and supporting a five-state region (MO, IA, NE, KS and AR), the MIP has their work cut out for them.

Our system has a 5% failure rate. We know this. If you tease that out over those five states that’s about 5,000 innocent people sitting in jails and prisons convicted of crimes they didn’t commit. 5,000 people with families and friends and colleagues. 5,000 lives shattered or forever altered for reasons ranging prosecutorial misconduct to false identification and a plethora of horrible realities in between. If you tease it out over the 2.3 million who sit in jails and prisons across the United States, we are talking about 115,000 lives. The amount of years lost – or more accurately, stolen – is incalculable.

The cause of innocence was my “entree” into this world of justice reform. In a sick but very real way – it was our rite of passage. In 2007 after my mom left for Bryan, Texas to start her four-year sentence for a crime she did not commit, I called the Midwest Innocence Project in my desperation for answers and guidance. I was told at that time that, unfortunately, our case didn’t fit the bill for cases they take on. They have very specific guidelines so that they spend their finite resources on cases that are actually provable. Shockingly, most innocence cases do not fall into that category. In a lot of ways, our case just wasn’t horrible enough on the scale of injustices that exist. And because I know those stories, I understood then and I really understand now why they just can’t take everything on.

Since I started Ava’s Grace Scholarship over eight years ago it has been humbling to see the conversation about justice reform evolve. People on different sides of the “aisle” come to this work for different reasons and agendas but people from right to left agree something needs to change. What we are doing isn’t working. In that same time frame and even more recently, we have seen an awakening when it comes to system and prosecutor accountability and the fact that OUR VOTE COUNTS when it comes to who makes our laws, who enforces our laws, and who gets to decide who does and doesn’t get charged. We have seen large numbers of new exonerations, clemencies and pardons – partly as an acknowledgement that the system can get it wrong. We are seeing Conviction Integrity Units and Prosecutorial Misconduct Commissions forming across the country. This is motivating and inspiring and it is RIGHT.

It’s an exciting time to be part of this movement. I am honored to help the MIP further their mission. But despite all this progress – which is painfully slow for those in the system – I will still never forget or get past this sentiment expressed by MIP client Rodney Lincoln in his speech last night – his first public speech since he was released by our former governor’s clemency on June 1 of this year. I heard him speak these words in front of three of his four children and I know these words to be true:

“They stole 36 years and ten days of me being with my lovely daughters, my two sons, I never went to a wedding, I never went to a funeral, I never went to a birthday party, I never went to a graduation. And each one of these events hurt me in my heart. I’m the dad. I’m supposed to be there. Well there’s a lot of dads back where I came from that are supposed to be there”

– Rodney Lincoln, August 22, 2018

So we keep fighting.

With Gratitude and Hope for the Future,

Founder, Ava’s Grace Scholarship Program
Mom – CEO – Justice Warrior

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It’s been almost a week since the Ava’s Grace Taking Flight event. And I am still struggling to find the words to describe the feeling and the energy of the weekend.

I am a picture taker. To the max and to everyone’s annoyance usually. But Saturday I didn’t get many photos. First, I knew my man Riq was documenting the entire thing. But mainly because I wanted to soak in every single moment of that day – the people, the performance (SAUL PAUL!), the purpose. The sheer power of love that was in the room.

There are a lot of reasons why Saturday was so special and I won’t be able to clearly articulate them in this blog. So, what I will reiterate here that I put into the universe on Saturday is this – WE WILL surpass $1 million in committed scholarships next year. The St. Louis Public Radio story hinted at it but I am on a mission to make it so. WE WILL plan on a huge party in 2020 to celebrate our partner’s 100th Birthday and our 10th – ALL YEAR LONG. WE WILL keep moving – onward AND upward – because these kids and this cause have lit a fire in so many people I am not sure it can be harnessed at this point. We’ll do it together, as we always have, with the Family we’ve built upon Hope for the Future.

I am as energized and impassioned as I have ever been about the cause of breaking the cycle of incarceration through the gift of higher education. But that is only a mission statement. What that actually MEANS is that we are serving young people that possess more power and potential than they even are aware of when we meet them. We have the awe-inspiring gift of walking with them when they start to realize who they are and what they are capable of. It is a great honor of my life to be part of this.

Something about Saturday signaled to me that this is our time. 20-GR8-TEEN is only the beginning…

And in case you haven’t seen it – meet the Class of 2018.

With Gratitude and Hope for the Future,

Founder, Ava’s Grace Scholarship Program
Mom – CEO – Justice Warrior

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Tomorrow 150 people, including 20 of our 40 scholars and their families, will join in a celebration for our scholars. This is our 7th Taking Flight ceremony and every one of them has been one of the most special days of my life.

This year, however, is extraordinary. Because this year, “20-Gr8-Teen” as my friend and our keynote performer SaulPaul so aptly coined it, was a year of transition and soul-searching for this scholarship program. This year Ava’s Grace was welcomed into a new family at The Scholarship Foundation of St. Louis. This year, for the first time, we are in the fortunate position that all of our scholars are fully funded through graduation – before the newest class of 8 even begins their first year. This is OUR YEAR.

And while stability in the non-profit world is never a given, I can share with you that things have never been better for Ava’s Grace Scholarship. Our new partner brings a level of expertise, support services and transparency that is unmatched in the industry. Our Advisory Board is as committed and energized as I have ever seen. Our eyes are on the ball – laser focused our students and their success.

Tonight, before the big day tomorrow, the Ava’s Grace Family will gather at my house. We’ll break bread and catch up and do the things that families do. These are the moments – the real reasons – I built this 8 years ago. The human connections. The lives impacted. The shoulders to lean on. The COMMUNITY we’ve created.

It’s been a year of great challenge and great achievement at Ava’s Grace. Nothing worthwhile comes free or easy. This year has been a testament to that. With my Ava’s Grace Family, I plan to bask in the sunlight all weekend. Thanks to so many of you for being part of this amazing journey. We made it – and I predict much Hope, Family and (Bright) Futures on the other side.

With Gratitude and Hope for the Future,

Founder, Ava’s Grace Scholarship Program
Mom – CEO – Justice Warrior

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Today is one of my best friend’s 40th birthday. I won’t name her name here. She certainly didn’t sign up to be in my justice reform blog. But many of you who read this know who she is – please tell her Happy 40th today.

In the spring of 2007, my family was preparing to go to war. After 18 months of the government hunting and haunting us and creating a story that could later be dismantled (but only after finding evidence they had suppressed in trial and my mom was already sitting in prison) and then an eventual indictment – we were preparing for trial in May.

Why trial? Glad you asked. You see, my family naively assumed we had a level playing field if we went there. We didn’t know that 97%+ of all federal cases are won by the government in federal court. That is no coincidence. Like with many other cases, we were offered plea deals. My mom didn’t consider them for one second. Why would you if you are innocent and our system is fair? (*More on this topic in past and future editions of this blog).

My best friend’s wedding was in April of that same year. A little less than one month before our trial started. I was to be the maid of honor in what would be an amazing week in the Dominican Republic. Early in the spring I had to reluctantly back out. It broke my heart and I know it broke hers. I just knew I couldn’t spend a week in a beautiful place while my mom was preparing the fight of her life. My head and my heart would have been at home and I would have been doing her a disservice to be her wingman on her special day. I was also scared to spend the money at a time when our family was bleeding financially to pay for her defense.

I have been friends with this woman for more of my life than I have not been at this point. We are raising kids the same age in the same community in St. Louis. She is genuinely one of my favorite people in this world. And we have FUN.

I wanted her to know today, on her birthday, how thankful I am that she forgave me and that we are still so close. Our justice system has many collateral damages. Our friendship could have been one of them. I am lucky it was not.

With Gratitude and Hope for the Future,

Founder, Ava’s Grace Scholarship Program
Mom – CEO – Justice Warrior

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I had an outstanding 41st this week. A week of productivity with our summer routine somewhat back on track, Ava’s first concert, an ag conference on a beautiful campus in St. Louis, and a lot of reminders of how many awesome friends, family and “communities” I have. [Note, the first sign of being 41 and not 21 and feeling like it was outstanding is the list of things I claim to have done that made it great!]

One of the biggest blessings of this day and age we live in is hearing from people through technology – emails, texts and social media.

A year or two into my mom’s incarceration, the federal Bureau of Prisons allowed those in their warehouses to have access to email. It was clunky and somewhat hard to sign up but it was a game changer. I could finally actually “hear” from my mom again every day. I grew up talking to my mom every day. Some days (many days) multiple times a day. Call it crazy or cute, it was our normal and email allowed us to get closer to that normal again.

Every month my step-dad put money on my mom’s “books” for things like toiletries, snacks and phone calls. You could only have a certain amount of money on your books at any given time and phone calls cost somewhere between $0.25 and $0.30 per MINUTE. You are capped at 300 minutes per month. That may sound like a long time in these days of fewer phone calls and more text messages. But I assure you when you are fighting a legal case and your daughter is pregnant with her first child, it is not. But we were “lucky”. 300 minutes are a pipe dream for people who do not have anyone on the outside to put money on their books. Most jobs for federal inmates pay less than $0.10 per HOUR. Do the math.

The “system” claims to value family connections and staying in touch with loved ones as it makes re-entry tend to be a more successful experience. Yet they make it damn near impossible for so many. With few federal facilities across the country, visits are often impossible. We met many people who saw their children once a year if they were lucky.

Technology, especially email, can keep people connected to the people they love. And while I am the first to admit that social media has gotten me down on more days than one, I will say that overall it’s been a positive thing in my life to be able to keep in touch with the people I care about through technology. I hear that today they even allow video conferencing at some facilities – that must be a game changer as well. Especially for small children.

This week I was thankful I didn’t have to hear any beeps (that alerted you that your allotted time was up) when I talked to my mom as she wished me happy birthday. I was grateful to hear from so many people through so many mediums to wish me a wonderful day. These are the things you maybe haven’t thought about if you’ve never had a loved one on the inside. For me, it’s another bit of toothpaste I can’t put back in the tube.

With Gratitude and Hope for the Future,

Founder, Ava’s Grace Scholarship Program
Mom – CEO – Justice Warrior

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I took last week off from the blog. I was in Costa Rica on vacation and frankly I just wasn’t in the right frame of mind to write a blog post. I avoided my laptop most of the week unless it was urgent. It was fabulous (the trip and not touching a laptop). I highly recommend both.

When you hear from me again at the end of next week I’ll be 41 – 7/11/77 baby. My 40th year was an interesting one. I suppose they all are but this has been a year of transformation and awakening for me. I have had the privilege of being my mom’s daughter my whole life and she taught me confidence to not define myself (most days) by what other people think of me. What a gift that has been and one that I hope to pass down to my own daughter.

So, this year I have shed the final layer of shame and self-doubt that came with my family’s involvement with the justice system (some people would call this “Zero Fs left to give” but I have kept the F word out of this blog so far so we won’t go there). I was always in this weird spot of not wanting to talk about it in most circles and yet not feeling like our experience was terrible enough to “own” in others. Ours has never been the worst case and I have always known we were “lucky” even in the midst of a living hell. But it is OUR story and it’s what we choose to do with it that matters.

So, this past year I joined the JustLeadershipUSA community of justice involved leaders (system survivors if you will) working to cut the U.S. prison population by 50% by 2030. This group and my cohort have become like family to me and I feel so empowered in their presence and with their support.

I told my daughter, the singular most important thing and person in my life, the truth about what happened to us for the first time. And it has opened many doors for us to do things together in this fight toward a more fair and just world. It didn’t feel right carrying that burden anymore so it’s gone too.

I joined the Close the Workhouse campaign in St. Louis, launched this blog and have joined another board of an organization doing amazing things to help people who’ve BEEN to prison (not just their children, like Ava’s Grace Scholarship) go to college and beyond. And I am super pumped about being part of expanding the Midwest Innocence Project’s work into the St. Louis area.

I am feeling good in my own skin – my justice warrioring skin – but I am also reminded how lucky I am to have found a career and a FAMILY that supports me in this journey. I could not pursue this passion without the grace and sacrifice of so many – especially my husband, my mom and a multitude of amazing employers over the years.

My first 40 was fun, fulfilling and fast. Let’s see where the next 40+ leads.

With Gratitude and Hope for the Future,

Founder, Ava’s Grace Scholarship Program
Mom – CEO – Justice Warrior

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I struggled with this week’s blog. Most weeks I know what I want to say and I say it. But some days, and with increasing frequency, there are many forces churning in me that are hard to “square up”. Perhaps this is just life or maybe it’s a mid-life, but…

I was in South Dakota this week for one of my favorite agriculture conferences of the year. I left there this morning feeling accomplished and thankful for my job, my board of directors and an industry that continues to inspire me. It’s no secret that I love what I do in my full-time profession.

Yet, I am tired. Because despite knowing I had to get up at 3:30 am for my flight, I couldn’t help but stay up past midnight and watch/read the news about what is happening on our border. I am horrified. And getting more so by the day.

I have always been hyper-empathetic and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I remember my mom telling me when I was very young, I think after I cried when I saw a homeless person for the first time, that she could tell I would be a bleeding heart. She didn’t mean it as a political statement though some would say that about me as well.

This “condition” has not always served me well. I am emotional at times. At times I have let emotion get the best of me, including in my professional life. Including on social media. I have been coached about this from people I respect and who I know want to see me succeed. And I think most days I put myself in check when I feel passionately about something or when people piss me off.

Well, my emotions are getting the best of me when it comes to what is happening on our border. I have had a visceral reaction to what is happening to these children. It’s getting the best of me because I know it’s not the first time we have done this as Americans and because I know history repeats itself… yet here we are. It’s gotten the best of me because many people I know and love have had their own children ripped away from them due to their involvement with our justice system. And I know the lasting, traumatic effect this has on human beings. Especially children. It’s gotten the best of me because the Hispanic women my mom “spent time” with in south Texas with took care of her and each other – it is their culture. Family is everything. It’s gotten the best of me because in my work and personal travel I have spent time in many countries south of our border and I love their people. And they have treated us like family.

I do not write this for political reasons. I do not write this for sympathy. And I hope you know I am not weak. But only to say that I struggle with knowing which of my worlds I should operate in some days. I struggle with balancing how much time I spend with my daughter versus time trying to make her world and her future family’s world a little bit better. I struggle with knowing I have privilege in my life and whether or not I am using it for good. I struggle with the idea that one person can make very little difference but also knowing the courage of one person can be all it takes.

(Note: Since I wrote this three hours ago on Wednesday morning, it would appear our president and congress are trying to work on a solution. While I pray it will relieve the suffering, this was a problem 100% created by our current administration. And it will not reverse the trauma already inflicted and the harsh reality is that some of these kids will NEVER see their parents again.)

With Gratitude and Hope for the Future,

Founder, Ava’s Grace Scholarship Program
Mom – CEO – Justice Warrior

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When I started this blog I knew one of the issues would be that I just don’t remember everything that happened. Part of it I have literally blocked from my memory for my sanity’s sake. Most of it has been the passage of time. Some things will never be written here or anywhere as they are simply too painful or too personal for me and my family. We shall see what makes these pages.

But things come back to my memory when I see certain people, visit certain places or, in this case, remember the kindness of a specific person.

I have had the honor of working with and for some pretty amazing people since my first “real” job at the National Cattlemen’s in Washington, DC, in 2000. So many of the people who helped me get through what was going on (outside of my family) were co-workers who had become like family.

The day my mom was indicted, which came 18 months after the fire and after 18 months of utter hell, I was at work at a little company based in Union, Missouri. I was a national sales rep for them. I loved that job (outside of the crazy travel) and still think very fondly about the great people I worked with there. There was a woman in the office, Charla, who had become like a mother to me. She was one of the only people who knew what was actually going on. In fact, she might have the only one but the details of that are foggy. What is still clear as day and as though it happened yesterday, was what she did for me on the day the indictment came down.

I got a phone call from my mom. It was rare for me to be in the office but I am glad I was in town on that particular day. When I hung up the phone I was hysterical. Charla was in a meeting and if I remember correctly it was with some of our executives from Europe. I opened the door (that is how out of sorts I must have been – to open the door on a meeting with the Big Wigs) and mouthed the words to her: “My Mom was Indicted”. Charla jumped up to meet me in the hallway because she mistakenly thought I said that my mom had died. The truth was bad enough but not as horrifying as it could have been. She held me and comforted me for a long time in my office. I was hours from my mom and completely lost and terrified.

I will never forget that day. I will never forget how she cared. And to this day and even though we don’t see each other as much as I would like, she holds a very special place in my heart. I still call her Work Momma.

This is Part One of a series I’ll sprinkle in from time to time about the Work Angels I have encountered on my path. They made my work days bearable when I was dealing with so much at home. They knew my truth and loved me hard when I near broken.

With Gratitude and Hope for the Future,

Founder, Ava’s Grace Scholarship Program
Mom – CEO – Justice Warrior

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Last week was the week. I have been planning for and stressing out about this moment for many years and when it came it happened so fast I almost didn’t realize what was happening.

Last week after an event that came up out of our control, I told my daughter about what happened to our family. To her Nonna. To us before she was born. I told her over lunch at her favorite spot, although that was only coincidence as I didn’t walk in there thinking we’d be having “the talk”.

I didn’t use the right words, I almost broke down a few times and I wanted to throw up for the entire 3 to 5 minutes when I tried to explain this very long and complicated story without crushing her soul and scaring her to death. And because it was so personal and so intimate there is no “image” available this week to capture this moment.

She was brave. She asked questions. I tried to tie everything together but not overwhelm her – This is why mommy started the Foundation; This is why we support and volunteer with so many organizations that care about people in prison and their families; This is why we raise money for kids we didn’t know before but consider family now.

She had a few questions. I know there will be more over time. A few of them will be very hard to answer I am sure. Her biggest question: “Can this happen again?”. How do you answer that? I answered that in the best way I knew how as her mom and protector in that moment – NO. But the truth is, it can and it does every day. Innocent people go to prison for things they didn’t do as I like to say on social media: Every. Damn. Day.

This week also saw many clemencies and pardons for people who were innocent as well as some who were guilty but didn’t deserve the insane sentences they received for non-violent crimes. My heart explodes with joy when hearing these stories. As a family member of an innocent person I really cannot explain the feeling I have when another person walks free. But the celebration is usually temporary for me and many others in this work because the mind cannot help but immediately pivot to how many more there are out there.

I think I did OK this week threading the needle between the brutal truth and still trying to protect my daughter. More than anything I am so relieved to have the weight of it off my chest. It’s been terrifying to think about her finding out from someone at an event, reading the story online or from interacting with an innocent bystander who is just excited about the Foundation.

We survived “the talk”. This one anyway.

With Gratitude and Hope for the Future,

Founder, Ava’s Grace Scholarship Program
Mom – CEO – Justice Warrior

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Summer is HERE. It was a long winter in the Midwest. I went through my annual questioning of why we (still) live here. Especially since we could live just about anywhere with our jobs these days. But we stay. Because it’s home.

Being from Missouri is part of the fiber of my soul and while I love to think about a living in places like Austin, TX or Savannah, GA, there is a high likelihood I will always be centered somewhere in the heart of the Heartland.

This weekend we spent a long weekend at our little retreat outside of St. Louis. It’s a place we never would have purchased if I hadn’t been severed from the company I thought I’d retire from, but which has brought us an enormous amount of happiness and peace. When we took this leap two years ago I swore I would not go crazy if kids got it dirty and that we’d never spend all our time cleaning and fixing things when we are there. We have kept that promise to ourselves.

One of my favorite splurges though has been in the form of wood art and wood signage (to go with the fabulous wood paneling). This “paddle” is one of my favorites. It reminds me that we are survivors. And as my mom always challenged us during those years, we are not only surviving but we are thriving too. It also keeps me humble and reminds me that I have a lot of flaws. My sailor mouth being one of them – especially since I hung this right in the living room so all our visitors and their kids can see it.

There are silver linings to every story, including ours. When you lose everything – from money to material possessions to friends – you gain an immense amount of freedom as crazy as that sounds. We learned to LIVE the clichés we all hear: “Live in the Moment”, “Use the Fine China”, “Take the Trip”, “Eat the Tacos” (the last one I have been living for all of my 40 years).

We learned to enjoy the fruits of our labor WHILE LIVING and WITH EACH OTHER. Prior to the Fire my family was too busy. Too rushed. Totally overprogrammed. And while I have many of those days as a working mom of an 8-year-old, we “Smell the Roses” with the best of them.

There were many years and many, many hard nights that I would have given anything to have an inner peace and the ability to forget it all for a day. So, occasionally, I don’t mind living a cliché.

With Gratitude and Hope for the Future,

Founder, Ava’s Grace Scholarship Program
Mom – CEO – Justice Warrior

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If you are part of the criminal justice reform movement you are aware that throughout the past several weeks we have seen major division and outright acrimony within our tribe. If you are watching from the sidelines, I think you will still find this to be a worthwhile read.

Over the past few weeks, it has been painful to watch leaders and boots on the ground alike publicly eviscerating each other over philosophical differences in how we go about “change” and what exactly is progress in this work. And when I say work, I need to clarify that I do this on the side. There are many people and organizations who wake up and live this work every second of every day. They are to be recognized as this work is hard, it can be traumatic, and it breaks your heart every single day.

When the White House announced a focus on criminal justice reform many months ago, I tried to have an open mind. Trump’s son-in-law’s own father served time in federal prison and out of anyone in the inner circle he should understand some of the failings of our system (operating within the system as a poor and/or black person is not one of them, but he does have firsthand experience that cannot be dismissed).

In working with many others (including organizations I have supported over the years), an outcome of this focus was the First Step Act that passed the House this week with bipartisan support.

I have researched and listened and tried my best to evaluate this bill fairly without taking into consideration how I feel about this administration’s general motus operandi that they are above the law. The First Step Act will certainly bring some wins to this movement – mostly incremental in nature by progress no doubt. Some of them I would have given my right arm for if they had been passed while my mom was in prison (like more retroactive “good time” for those in the federal system). For currently incarcerated men and women and their families that is REAL and that is worth fighting for.

The competing argument, especially within the reform community, is that the bill doesn’t go far enough. Not even close. This “side” recognizes that we are not working with an administration or an attorney general that operates in good faith and that the sad reality is there very likely will be no “Second Step” to address the bigger issues that are completely missing in the First Step Act, like reforming mandatory sentencing laws that are responsible for filling our federal prisons (overwhelmingly with non-violent drug offenders). There are many other disturbing features of this bill that could play out disastrously as well.

There is A LOT more to this story, the bill itself and this principled disagreement between passionate people who care very much about real reform. But this is a blog not a policy document. It’s rare that I don’t take a position/stand on an issue I know something about and feel so passionately about. But, in all honesty, I see both sides of this one. What I do know is that the public and very personal in-fighting that has gone on in “the movement” is setting us up for failure long-term. Many people in this country have negative stereotypes of formerly incarcerated people and their allies. Our opposition will pounce on and use to their advantage the perception that we are unhinged, angry and divided. That will be an immeasurable loss no matter what how many more steps we are awarded (or fight like hell for) toward positive change and real reform for the 2.3 million people in prison in the United States.

With Gratitude and Hope for the Future,

Founder, Ava’s Grace Scholarship Program
Mom – CEO – Justice Warrior

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11 years ago this week we were in the middle of my mom’s two-week trial in St. Louis. The federal building downtown is a beautiful structure in the heart of the city skyline I have called home for close to 15 years. For many years my stomach churned when I came into downtown and saw that building. I am thankfully past that now.

About halfway through her trial when yet another officer of the law (I believe it was an ATF agent) spewed the same scripted story as the others on the witness stand**, I was especially exasperated and disgusted. During a break we went down the elevator with our lawyer.

I asked him “Doug, how do they sleep at night?”

He very clearly and without hesitation said, “Because they think she did it. So, if they have to hedge a little here and lie a little there, the means justify the end.”

I wanted to puke. I still do. And I heard this same theme again only a month ago at an event for the Midwest Innocence Project. A judge (think about that) asked a prosecutor in one of the especially egregious cases of the innocent men on the panel “Are you seeking justice?”. And the prosecutor, brazen and ballsy as this sounds, replied “I am seeking a conviction”.

There is something wrong with a system that places that much power in one person or one office. Additionally, their offices should not maintain the kind of immunity they do when they so blatantly seek “a win” and so tragically deny justice.

The power of the prosecutor in our country is as close to absolute as it gets. Think about that when you vote.

[**All of the statements from law enforcement – from the highway patrol to the ATF to the local fire marshal – could later be discredited by a video the government had edited and suppressed at trial. The video corroborated my mom’s story and proved the government’s entire case to be based on a lie, one told over and over again by men in uniform in her trial. We were unsuccessful in getting that video brought to light in a courtroom on appeal and she served her entire sentence.]

With Gratitude and Hope for the Future,

Founder, Ava’s Grace Scholarship Program
Mom – CEO – Justice Warrior

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Sitting in a prison visiting room in the fall of 2008, my mom grabbed my hands and told me through tears that she wanted me to get pregnant. She had been gone for about a year at that point. I looked at her like she was crazy. Why would I do that? Why now? She had three more years if nothing changed with her legal case. But she would eventually come home – and then I could have a baby.

As an only child I knew my eventual procreation was high on her priority list… but as were currently in the middle of fighting every day and in every way to prove her innocence, as she sat in prison 800 miles away in south Texas, and as I thought I might be losing my mind and life as I knew it, I resisted the idea (adamantly). And then she said:

“We need something to hope for. To plan for. To live for. You, and Steve (my step-dad) and Jason are all so miserable about my being here you might as well be in here with me. You have to move on; you have to keep living.”

And just like that the wisdom and the selflessness of the strongest woman I’ll ever know came to the surface. Knowing she would miss this very special moment if I was fortunate enough to get pregnant on her schedule, she still wanted that for all of us. What seemed like an unreasonable “request” (OK, borderline demand) was actually her giving me permission to think of myself and my own little family in the midst of our chaos. And to move on – even in her physical absence. It was a heartbreaking moment.

Jason and I got pregnant that winter. And I won’t pretend it was easy for me. My mom missed my baby showers, missed helping me decorate the baby room, missed Ava’s birth on September 30, 2009, and a whole lot in between. But – she was right. It gave us something to plan for and hope for and, ahead of what I thought was our schedule due to our situation, I received the greatest gift of my life.

[I should note that a whole lot of other women stepped up in her absence to make the best of the situation and to take care of us the best way anyone knew how to given the circumstances. I will never be able to repay them nor will they ever know how much that meant to us.]

I haven’t always listened to my mom (there’s a novel on that topic, a blog will never do) but I am so thankful I let her convince me on this one. I look forward to spending this Mother’s Day weekend with my mom and my daughter and husband. Hosting a golf tournament, watching Ava play sports and spending time with the sun on our faces – something I’ll never take for granted.

With Gratitude and Hope for the Future,

Founder, Ava’s Grace Scholarship Program
Mom – CEO – Justice Warrior

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One week from today friends and family from across the country (literally) will be descending upon St. Louis to play in our annual golf tournament, the 8th annual Ava’s Grace Scholarship Scramble. When we first started the foundation in March 2010 (inexperienced and mostly clueless and we were) one of the first things we did to raise money was launch this annual tournament. It seemed fitting – my mom used to host an annual golf tournament for the United Way when we still owned the bar and, frankly, a lot of our friends like to golf or day drink or both. Our friend Jake took the lead, found the golf course and off we went.

Little did I know at the time how people would SHOW UP for this tournament and in support of our kids. Keep in mind, there were no kids yet. We didn’t select our first class for two years. They just believed. And they wanted to help. And they wanted to get together. Because in the huge vacuum that was the absence of my mom – as well as the lack of any positive news on her legal case – we needed something to direct our energy toward.

So… we golfed. And people drove in in droves from our hometown and around the Midwest to support this little, crazy idea of mine. And they have kept showing up – for 8 years. And (about to be) 40 kids. They donated printing so we could keep every dollar on sponsorships; donated food; donated their time; proudly wore Ava’s Grace blue – and did it all in rain and shine.

There have been many silver linings in our story. This is one of them. A BIG ONE. It is one of my favorite days of the year EVERY year – a family reunion for a cause.

With Gratitude and Hope for the Future,

Founder, Ava’s Grace Scholarship Program
Mom – CEO – Justice Warrior

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Some weeks this blog will be snippets or stories of the past that attempt to paint a picture of what actually happened during our decade with the system, how it impacted my family and how those events sparked my desire to engage in justice reform work.

Some weeks, like this one, it will be current events and the “gut checks” that occur in my day-to-day life in this work.

Depending on the facility, men and women in prison are sometimes allowed to make things for their loved ones. This is of course only possible for people who have friends or family on the outside who put money “on their books” to buy supplies inside and pay for shipping home. So not everyone gets this privilege. When I was pregnant with my daughter my mom not only learned to make blankets herself (she felt she needed to start doing “grandma” things – but much prefers to be called “Nonna”), she engaged an army of afghan makers inside who created some of the most beautiful works of art ever made for keeping babies warm. These gifts were made with such love and with so much talent that it’s hard to describe how it felt getting those boxes in the months leading up to the birth of my daughter and for the two years after she was born before my mom came home. To this day they are some of my most valued possessions.

This week I went to the headquarters of the Missouri Department of Corrections in Jefferson City to talk about promoting Ava’s Grace system-wide to Missouri’s more than 33,000 thousand currently incarcerated men and women so that their children might apply for our scholarship. I told them about speaking to the women in the facility in Chillicothe, MO a few years back for their “Girls Rock” program and that the women there presented me with beautiful handmade quilt. I unexpectedly choked up recalling the story because it reminded me of the immeasurable amount of love I have felt every time I have received these gifts, made in a place where hope is scarce but humanity still exists. My almost unprofessional slip-up made them pause and made me slightly red in the face. The team there gave me the grace of a bit of silence and we moved on. And together, we are going to do powerful things for kids in Missouri who have experienced what 5 million kids nationwide face every day – the loss of a loved one to our system.

With Gratitude and Hope for the Future,

Founder, Ava’s Grace Scholarship Program
Mom – CEO – Justice Warrior

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I can still hear the coins dropping. Drink machines and snack machines – several of each lined the wall. I can still see the kids – young, likely all under 10 – and their faces, happy to pick out the sugary and salty snacks without having to search because they knew exactly what they wanted. I can still hear their feet bum-rushing the machines. And at first, I didn’t understand what was happening.

As I sat there early on a Saturday morning in Bryan, TX, visiting my mom for the first time in a federal prison, I didn’t know what these young kids were doing. At 29, I was terrified by the entire visitor entry process. I had my license and some change in a plastic baggy. I was confused when the women would actually come out. I didn’t know if there was a seating arrangement in the cold, bare cafeteria. And I was really scared of what my mom would look like and act like after 3 weeks of being housed there.

Then the kids started returning to their tables. They carefully unwrapped snacks – cinnamon rolls, candy bars, chips – and placed drinks at pre-determined places on the tables. You see, they were thoughtfully and excitedly setting up to see their mamas for the day and they knew what their moms wanted to eat and drink as special treats during visits. They did this to make their moms happy and to not have to spend ONE minute back in that line getting what she wanted so they could spend every second with her when she came through those doors. They did this because – for the lucky few children who actually get to visit their moms or dads in prison on a regular basis – this was their life. This was their normal.

And in that moment, I was shattered. Our 2 ½ year nightmare had culminated in this moment and it broke me. By the time my mom came out I was sobbing – embarrassingly so. I didn’t want her to see me like that. But my God was I happy to see her and to touch her and to know she was OK. In that moment, reality hit me harder than it had my entire middle-class, small-town, privileged life. My mom was in prison 800 miles away and this was OUR new normal.

With Gratitude and Hope for the Future,

Founder, Ava’s Grace Scholarship Program
Mom – CEO – Justice Warrior

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A month after I lied to that woman was my best friend’s wedding. I played the role of reverend (!) and it was a beautiful celebration. But it was another major life event my mom was missing – the wedding of a woman who was like a second daughter to her. That night, looking around at friends and family and my beautiful 6-month-old daughter in her perfect pink dress, dancing with her daddy, the wedding bells woke me up. I knew what I wanted to do. Frankly, I should say I knew what I HAD to do for my mental and spiritual survival. I was at a breaking point and had a very special little girl who needed me to be better.

The following week (March 30, 2010) on Ava’s six-month birthday and with the help and support of many, we launched Ava’s Grace Scholarship Program. Education was a priority in my home and my mom was an educator – it was a perfect fit and after much research I found that this kind of support for children impacted by parental incarceration was not being provided on any kind of scale anywhere at that time. To date, Ava’s Grace has given or committed more than $600,000 in scholarships to kids of incarcerated parents. We have walked with more than 30 young people on their journey in higher education. And as I post this – 8 years since our founding – I know the purpose in our pain when I see these amazing kids.

But I am not done yet.

I am starting this blog with the hopes that I can help break down the stigma of incarceration. For those who have made mistakes, for those who are returning home and for their families and children. I am starting this blog because I knew that day in 2007 in Bryan, TX, and have been reminded hundreds of times since, that there were and are families suffering more than mine ever could have dreamed of. I am starting this blog because I now realize that we – people who have been directly impacted by our system – are the change we have been waiting for.

Stay tuned.

With Gratitude and Hope for the Future,

Founder, Ava’s Grace Scholarship Program
Mom – CEO – Justice Warrior

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My new normal started in the fall of 2007. That visit when I broke down in front of God and mom and prison guards alike, was the first of my many visits over four years and three federal prisons in three different states. It started my “official” journey with the U.S. justice system. The government had been hunting and tormenting and lying about my family for close to three years at that point, including during a two-week trial in a beautiful building in downtown St. Louis. But it never registered that the slow-moving train wreck I had been watching was actually the nightmare of my real life. Our life. My mom, my dad, my new husband and all the people who cared about us.

For the next 2 ½ years I lived a double life with most of my friends and nearly all of my professional colleagues. I had a career, I was living in a different town than the one I grew up in, and while I knew my mother was innocent and that we were fighting every day to free her, I simply could not talk about it to so many.

Then, at a networking event in the winter of 2010, a woman I look up to very much asked me how long my mom had stayed with me after the birth of my daughter. Ava Grace had been born that fall, my first and only child, and I was finally back in the saddle at work. I looked at this woman and lied. I said:

“Oh, about a month.”

I almost threw up after I said it. This woman cared about me and I adored her. I came home that night and was ashamed. And I was ashamed that I was ashamed of our circumstances. And I was done with it. Something had to change.

With Gratitude and Hope for the Future,

Founder, Ava’s Grace Scholarship Program
Mom – CEO – Justice Warrior

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This blog is about my and my family’s traverse through the justice system.

If you read this and decide to follow me on this “channel”, I am sure I will say things and tell stories that make you uncomfortable. And that is OK. My family has been uncomfortable enough for all of us as it relates to the real-life experience of “justice” in our country and it is my sincere hope you never have reason to know the inner workings of our system like I do. But I believe we need to be uncomfortable about issues related to justice in America – like mass incarceration, wrongful conviction, and the roles race and poverty play in all of it. I will try to relate my experience from the perspective of a woman who watched her mom go through hell at the hands of the people who are here to protect us, but who is now trying to raise a daughter to respect our system. It will be obvious that I don’t know how to navigate those realities some days.

And while I was broken by this experience, and still am in many ways, what I have found in this process is that the cracks are where the good stuff is. That is where empathy and compassion as well as outrage and the desire to fight for change live inside of me. I am proud of those imperfections today and if they can be used for good, that’s even better.

I don’t know where all of this leads just yet but I am on one hell of a journey. Thanks for reading. More next week…

With Gratitude and Hope for the Future,

Founder, Ava’s Grace Scholarship Program
Mom – CEO – Justice Warrior

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Ava’s Grace 8th annual Scholarship Scramble!

For official details click here

New for 2018! LUAU THEME – Bring your Grass Skirts and Hawaiian Shirts!

When: Friday, May 11, 2018

11:00 am – Registration
12:00 pm – Shotgun Start

ABERDEEN GOLF CLUB

4111 Crescent Rd., Eureka, MO 63025

Prizes!

Raffles! $10/ticket

Online Golfer Registration: Check out below to pay for your golf registration with Paypal! Pay for your Hole sponsorships via the weblink further below!

Mail-in Golfer Registration (pay by check):
Ava’s Grace Scholarship Program
P.O. Box 221621
St. Louis, MO 63122
*Please make your check out to: Steph Regagnon/Ava’s Grace Golf Tournament

Cost:
$75/individual golfer
$300/team of four
(Note: This is for your golf registration ONLY and is not tax deductible)

*If you would like to make a 100% tax deductible donation to Ava’s Grace in addition to your golf registration fees, please do so here: https://www.sfstl.org/donate/annual-campaign-donation (and select Ava’s Grace) or bring a check or cash to the event on May 11th!

Hole Sponsorships:
$100 per hole